The Space Between Surviving and Living

I’m not dying.

But I’m not really living either.

I’m somewhere in between. In this strange gray space where I’m functioning but not thriving. Where I’m getting through the days but not actually experiencing them.

I’m surviving. That’s it. That’s all I’ve got.

I wake up. I go through the motions. I do what needs to be done. I make it to the end of the day and then I do it all over again.

I’m breathing. I’m showing up. I’m here.

But I’m not living. Not the way I used to. Not the way other people are.

I’m stuck in this in-between place. Not drowning anymore but not swimming either.

Just... treading water. Staying afloat. Barely.

People think I’m doing better because I’m not falling apart in front of them. Because I’m going to work. Because I’m answering texts. Because I look like I have it together.

But having it together and actually living are two completely different things.

Everything feels muted.

Like I’m watching my life happen from behind glass. I can see it. I can participate in it. But I can’t actually feel it. Not the way I used to.

Joy doesn’t feel like joy anymore. It feels like a memory of what joy used to be. Happiness is fleeting and shallow. Excitement doesn’t exist.

I’m just... flat. Numb.

Going through the day on autopilot.

And nobody talks about this part.

They talk about the immediate grief—the shock, the crying, the falling apart.

And they talk about healing—the moving on, the finding joy again, the rebuilding.

But nobody talks about this space in between.

Where you’re not destroyed anymore, but you’re not whole either.

Where you’re functioning but not really present.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here. Months? Longer?

Time doesn’t work right in this space.

Days blur together.

Weeks pass without anything actually happening.

I’m just stuck here.

In this gray space.

Not dying. Not living. Just existing.

If these words connected with you, you’ll find many more like them in What Remains. It’s a collection of the writings I’ve shared over the years, bringing together reflections on grief, love, loss, and the connections that continue long after someone is gone.

I hope it brings you comfort, understanding, and the reminder that you’re not alone.

If you’d like to read more, you can find the book here

Available now on Amazon