I think guilt has kept me from living more than I ever realized.
And I’m not just talking about the guilt we usually hear about after someone dies.
The things I should have said.
The things I should have done.
The decisions I wish I could change.
I’m talking about the guilt that can come later.
The guilt of still being here.
The guilt of having something good happen and knowing they aren’t here to see it.
The guilt of laughing so hard you forget for a few seconds.
The guilt of realizing you just went an entire hour without thinking about them.
The guilt of making plans.
Taking the trip.
Changing something they left behind.
Getting rid of something you know you don’t need anymore but still feeling horrible when you put it in the donation pile.
The guilt of wanting something again.
And maybe the hardest one...
The guilt of realizing there are parts of your life that you actually enjoy.
Because somewhere along the way, grief and love can get so tangled together that being okay starts to feel like a betrayal.
If I’m okay without you, what does that say about how much I loved you?
If I build a life I actually like, am I getting too comfortable with the fact that you’re gone?
If I stop hurting this much, am I letting go of you?
I don’t think we always say those things out loud.
Because logically, we know our loved one wouldn’t want us miserable.
People tell us that all the time.
“They would want you to be happy.”
I know.
But knowing that and feeling it are two completely different things.
Because sometimes the guilt isn’t logical.
Sometimes there’s this part of you that feels like your grief is one of the last things you still get to do for them.
So what happens if you start letting some of it go?
Who are you then?
And where does all that love go?
Maybe moving forward was never about leaving them behind.
Maybe the real work is figuring out how to let yourself live without believing that living means you loved them any less.
If these words connected with you, you’ll find many more like them in What Remains. It’s a collection of the writings I’ve shared over the years, bringing together reflections on grief, love, loss, and the connections that continue long after someone is gone.
I hope it brings you comfort, understanding, and the reminder that you’re not alone.
If you’d like to read more, you can find the book here
Available now on Amazon