Sometimes people say stupid things to someone who is grieving.
And somehow, I end up being the one who feels uncomfortable.
The one trying not to cry.
The one trying to figure out how to respond.
The one sitting there wondering how I’m going to get through the rest of the night.
“They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
Do you think I want to be sad?
Do you think I wanted any of this?
I wanted them to live. I wanted more time. I wanted a life that didn’t include having to figure out how to live without them.
But here I am.
Trying to have dinner. Trying to be around people. Trying to enjoy myself.
And now I’m sitting across from someone telling me how I should feel about a loss they aren’t living with.
“It’s been a few years.”
Yes. And they’re still dead.
That’s the part people seem to forget when they start talking about how much time has passed.
There hasn’t been a point where I got them back. There hasn’t been a day when I stopped knowing they were gone.
I’ve just had more days without them.
And apparently, at some point, I’m supposed to stop being upset about that.
I can laugh, but if I cry later, someone wonders what happened.
Nothing new had to happen.
I still miss my loved one.
The good day was real. So is the sadness today. I shouldn’t have to defend either one.
And I shouldn’t have to stop talking about my loved one just because you don’t know what to say.
I said their name.
I remembered something funny. I wanted to include them in a conversation because they were part of my life, and they still matter to me.
But then someone changes the subject. Or nobody responds.
So I stop talking about them.
Not because I’m done.
Because I feel like I’m supposed to be.
Why does that become my job?
Someone makes a hurtful comment, and I’m expected to understand.
“They meant well.”
Maybe they did.
But I’m the one sitting there hurt. I’m the one holding back tears while everyone else keeps talking. I’m the one going home and thinking about what was said long after the night is over.
A little consideration shouldn’t be too much to ask.
Think before you tell me it’s time to be happy.
Listen when I answer the question you asked.
And if I cry, let me finish what I was saying instead of rushing to change the subject.
I’m already dealing with someone I love being gone.
I shouldn’t also have to spend the night making you feel better about my grief.
If these words connected with you, you’ll find many more like them in What Remains. It’s a collection of the writings I’ve shared over the years, bringing together reflections on grief, love, loss, and the connections that continue long after someone is gone.
I hope it brings you comfort, understanding, and the reminder that you’re not alone.
If you’d like to read more, you can find the book here
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