I could scream that I need you.
Beg until I can barely breathe.
And you would still be gone.
I know you’re gone. But knowing hasn’t stopped me from wanting you here.
I can still hear you laughing. I know what you’d say about things. I remember the last time I saw you, and I cannot make that be the last time.
But I don’t get a choice.
That’s why this hurts so much.
I want something I cannot have, and nothing else comes close.
Someone can hug me, and I’ll cry because I want it to be you.
Something good can happen, and I’ll want to tell you so badly that I stop enjoying it.
I can spend hours with people who love me and still come home upset because you weren’t there.
And I’m tired.
Tired of remembering.
Tired of being caught off guard by something I already know.
Tired of waking up after a terrible night and having to do another whole day without you.
Sometimes I look at a picture and think, how?
How are you right there, smiling at me, and I can never see you again?
How did we go from talking and making plans to me trying to remember the last thing you said?
I want to reach into that picture.
I want to go back to when it was taken, before I knew what it would feel like to have so much to say to you and no way to say it.
People tell me I’ll always have the memories.
I know.
But I remember what it was like to have you.
And there are days when looking at what’s left just makes me cry harder.
Because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with only the voice I remember.
What would you say to me now? I’d give anything to hear it.
If these words connected with you, you’ll find many more like them in What Remains. It’s a collection of the writings I’ve shared over the years, bringing together reflections on grief, love, loss, and the connections that continue long after someone is gone.
I hope it brings you comfort, understanding, and the reminder that you’re not alone.
If you’d like to read more, you can find the book here
Available now on Amazon
A FREE Community for Women looking for support in their grief, connection with women who understand, and help figuring out how to live again without leaving their loved one behind
