I Still Can't Believe You're Gone

I still can't believe you're gone.

I know you are. I was there. I lived through it.

I've been to the funeral.
I've sorted through your things.
I've had to tell people what happened.

But my brain still hasn't accepted it.

Because there are moments—every single day—where I forget.
Where I reach for my phone to text you.
Where I think "I need to tell them about this." Where I turn to say something to you and you're not there.

And then it hits me all over again.

You're gone.
You're really gone.
And I can't believe it.

I can't believe I'll never hear your voice again.
Never see your face.
Never hug you.
Never laugh with you.
Never talk to you about nothing and everything.

I can't believe this is permanent.

That you're not coming back.
That this is just... it.
This is my life now.
Without you.

How is that possible?
How are you just... gone?
How does someone who was so alive, so present, so here just stop existing?

It doesn't make sense.

My brain can't process it. Even now. Even after all this time.

I still expect you to walk through the door.
To call me. To show up like you always did.

I still catch myself planning things around you.
Thinking about what you'd say.
What you'd think. What we'd do together.

And then I remember.
You're not here. You're never going to be here again.
And it breaks me all over again.

I thought by now I'd have accepted it.
That my brain would have caught up with reality.
That I'd stop expecting you to be here.

But I haven't. I still can't wrap my head around it.

You were supposed to be here.
We had plans. We had a future. We had so much left to do together.

And now you're just... gone.
And I'm supposed to accept that?
I'm supposed to be okay with it?

I'm not. I don't think I ever will be.

Because losing you doesn't make sense.
It's not fair. It's not right.
And no amount of time is going to make it feel any different.

I still can't believe you're gone.
And part of me thinks I never will.

If these words connected with you, you’ll find many more like them in What Remains. It’s a collection of the writings I’ve shared over the years, bringing together reflections on grief, love, loss, and the connections that continue long after someone is gone.

I hope it brings you comfort, understanding, and the reminder that you’re not alone.

If you’d like to read more, you can find the book here

Available now on Amazon